One Sec's Toy Story: You are a friend in me...

[16:28] fantabulous: I was going to say that I don't own any purple toys. Then I remembered that I do.
[16:29] miss havisham: I don't own any toys at all.
[16:29] Big Daddy Grimm: how far deep in your toybox do you have it hidden that you forgot about it?
[16:31] fantabulous: I just haven't used them for a while. They're not floppy purple dongs, which is what I was thinking of.
[16:32] miss havisham: "purple toy" is practically synonymous with "floppy purple dong" in /clan
[16:32] Big Daddy Grimm: its a macro

Poetry at your own risk

15:47] Everybody: If at first she won't suck seed, try, try again?
[15:47] Big Daddy Grimm: that was beautiful....
[15:47] Big Daddy Grimm: *sniff*
[15:47] Everybody bows.
[15:47] miss havisham: i totally nominate pooch for clan poet laureate
[15:47] Big Daddy Grimm: I would say I think i got something in my eye...but in this place..im afraid to
[15:48] Everybody: Yeah, bowing is just bending over.. I wasn't so sure about doing that either.

Havi's Penis Chronicles Part the third: Home Delivery

[15:22] Everybody: Werepenis of London again!
[15:41] miss havisham: i gotta go all the way to london to get dick? damn.
[15:41] Big Daddy Grimm: havi
[15:41] Big Daddy Grimm: you are a woman
[15:41] Big Daddy Grimm: getting dick should be just as easy, if not easier, than ordering out for pizza.
[15:42] Big Daddy Grimm: hell, if porn has taught me anything, you get both at the same time if you want
[15:42] miss havisham: oh. but see above re: women being picky
[15:42] miss havisham: i only like very specific dick. i'm much pickier about dick than pizza.
[15:43] Everybody: Havi has a strict rule of not banging people in her own time zone.
[15:43] miss havisham: I try to be accommodating
[15:43] Big Daddy Grimm: her sex is THAT good that it affects timezones?
[15:44] Everybody: HEY, /CLAN, HAVI IS GOING TO ACCOMODATE US.
[15:45] miss havisham: not all of you, jeez.
[15:45] miss havisham: I SAID I WAS PICKY

Havi's Penis Chronicle's Part the second: the working girl

[12:06] miss havisham: oh my god. I just read a news headline that said "Obama's broken promise"
[12:07] miss havisham: but I read "Obama's broken penis"
[12:07] miss havisham: I think I need to go to penis rehab or something. i may have a problem.
[12:07] Everybody: But you'd say, "No, no, no."
[12:07] miss havisham: *snort*
[12:07] Big Daddy Grimm: take two penii and call me in the morning
[12:11] miss havisham: ok, but i'm not taking obama's. it's broken.
[12:12] Big Daddy Grimm: you have plenty of options in this clan alone, but that would be like shopping in one of those hidden in the back of a chinese laundromat type of stores, where there is always a catch
[12:13] Big Daddy Grimm: like "do not feed it any booty after midnight; etc.
[12:13] miss havisham: it's true; the world is not short on penis.
[12:16] Everybody: Isn't it, though? Aren't there more women in the world than men.
[12:16] Big Daddy Grimm: and yet women are still picky as hell
[12:16] Everybody: OMG , HAVI, YOU NEED TO START HOARDING PENISES.
[12:17] Big Daddy Grimm: thats why i am all for legalizing gay marriage
[12:17] Big Daddy Grimm: to make women realize they are running out of viable options
[12:17] miss havisham: Eh, just mail me the floppy purple dong and i'll be ok
[12:17] miss havisham: women are picky? hmm.
[12:17] Piter logged on.
[12:17] miss havisham: i guess i'm picky. yeah.
[12:17] Big Daddy Grimm: OR, havi is right...i should invest funds in the dildo business.
[12:18] Big Daddy Grimm: an market it as i did above
[12:18] Big Daddy Grimm: ka-CHING
[12:19] miss havisham: i want a cut
[12:19] Big Daddy Grimm: you are the whole legal dept of the comany havi!
[12:19] Big Daddy Grimm: also R&D and product testing.
[12:20] miss havisham: i wear many hats
[12:22] Big Daddy Grimm: just dont get confused which one is which...
[12:23] Big Daddy Grimm: cliff notes: law dept. does the f*ing. R&D: thinks of new ways of f*ng. product testing: gets f*d
[12:23] Big Daddy Grimm: and despite being in one sec for a few ages, i STILL dont feel comfortable spelling out the whole word...
[12:23] Big Daddy Grimm: go figure
[12:24] miss havisham: lol!
[12:25] miss havisham: ok. i need something to wash down this snack. i'm going out in search of caffeine. see you guys soon.

*Grimmy now wonders as he posts this that with all the penis talk...just what WAS that snack...

Havi's Penis Chronicles. Part the first

[10:09] miss havisham: hello /clan
[10:09] Everybody: Hello, doens't blow hard enough!
[10:10] miss havisham: i'll show you hard enough
[10:11] Everybody: Like a big bad wolf?
[10:11] miss havisham: More like... zebralicious
[10:11] miss havisham: i mean, what?
[10:12] Everybody: Did you ever find out if zebradicks are striped?
[10:13] miss havisham: well, yahoo! answers tells me that a zebra's genitals are all-black.
[10:13] Everybody: Once you go zebra. -hic-
[10:18] Shoo86: hi
[10:18] Shoo86: oooh
[10:18] Shoo86: now i get it
[10:18] Shoo86: havi did spirometry
[10:18] Everybody: YOUR MOM?
[10:18] Shoo86: fuck, train time i gotta run
[10:18] Shoo86: see you all later
[10:18] Everybody: Whut? But I want to play with the spirograph too!
[10:19] miss havisham: spirometry what
[10:19] miss havisham: WHAT DID I DO
[10:19] Everybody: 'spiro' is breath, dear.
[10:19] miss havisham: ooooooh
[10:19] miss havisham: shoo's catching up on my medical drama, got it

PSA (Pooch's Service Announcement)

[12:52] Everybody: Damn. Most of /clan isn't here.
[12:52] Everybody: I wanted to tell them that Havi's doctor says she doesn't blow when told to. [12:53] Big Daddy Grimm: HA
[12:53] miss havisham: poor pooch
[12:53] miss havisham: no audience for his hilarity
[12:53] Big Daddy Grimm: no worries
[12:53] Big Daddy Grimm: i can blog it for posterity
[12:53] Everybody: I figure we need to do her doctor a favor and train her.

Linoleum

[14:39] miss havisham: i like the word "linoleum"

You can skip to the big flourish at 1:25 or so if you're impatient.

The Mosquito Laser

They're real, Pooch.  And they're awesome.

Rap Skillz

[13:08] miss havisham: idk, i've never been tasked with identifying rap skills before
[13:09] Gregonzola: Miss Havisham, please identify which skills are actually associated with rap.
[13:09] Everybody: Rap skills start with smoking pounds of dope, heh heh heh.
[13:09] Gregonzola: I believe "Mad rhymes yo" are #1.
[13:09] Gregonzola: #2.
[13:09] Everybody: Then jockin' bitches and slappin' hos.
[13:09] Gregonzola: Right after mad dope smoking skillz.
[13:11] Everybody: And mad raping skills. 

Mizzin' up some Ghost Seances, bitches

[12:57] Big Daddy Grimm: pharmaceutically speaking, the sticky is a direct result of all the shit you mized together and then stirred the pot.
[12:57] Big Daddy Grimm: SCEINCE BITCHES!
[12:58] Big Daddy Grimm: I mean science.
[12:58] Big Daddy Grimm: a seance would work too...
[12:58] Big Daddy Grimm: GHOST SCIENCE BITCHES!

Dickpit Unexplained

[11:50] Gregonzola: Lee, we had a question about dickpit.
[11:51] RAMONE: shoot
[11:51] Gregonzola: Gregonzola: I wish I'd been paying attention. I was going to ask if that's the area behind the scrotum or the area in front of it. And should I use deodorant? Inquiring minds want to know.
[11:51] miss havisham: can you please give us the anatomical location of a dickpit
[11:51] miss havisham: there are so many potential interpretations
[11:51] Gregonzola: miss havisham: i think in front. that way it actually borders the dick. miss havisham: but i am no expert
[11:51] Gregonzola: Everybody: Oh. I thought "dickpit" meant "vagina".
[11:51] Gregonzola: Or the best one: Everybody: Or the place where the spoogepilot sits.
[11:52] RAMONE: It's like when a movie doesn't show gore. All the nastiness is offscreen
[11:52] RAMONE: Because your imagination could come up with something way worse
[11:52] RAMONE: than whatever they could show you
[11:53] RAMONE: so I won't tell
[11:53] miss havisham: lol
[11:53] kashieda: of course you will
[11:53] kashieda: or your momma will
[11:53] RAMONE: of course I will
[11:53] kashieda: when we bring her "donuts"
[11:53] RAMONE susceptible to Force suggestion
[11:53] kashieda: this is not the chat you are silent in.
[11:54] Gregonzola: Or it could be like a painting, where you're really not supposed to try to come up with what might be beyond the frame.
[11:54] Gregonzola: It's outside of the scope of the art.
[11:54] miss havisham: Way to have a phallic name, dudes named Rod.
[11:54] Gregonzola: "Dickpit" was the art.
[11:54] RAMONE: You can call me Prickasso
[11:55] RAMONE: That lecture really took its toll
[11:56] RAMONE: but that's prince spaghetti day 

Yeah, like that

[10:33] Everybody: A game should be fun, not painful.
[10:33] Everybody: Kind of like sex with strangers.

129

miss havisham: 129!

Gregonzola: 129?

miss havisham: lucre

Gregonzola: Oh, yes. Congrats! You will have a Puppy before you know it.

Gregonzola: Then Lee will quit the game and you can take over his puppy record on the display case records.

miss havisham: man. on the one hand, i like to win things and also i like cute things

miss havisham: on the other hand, kolife without lee would be bleak

Gregonzola: He won't really quit. He has too much invested.

Gregonzola: Yesterday he came up with, "Dickpit."

miss havisham: too many puppies

Gregonzola: I wish I'd been paying attention.  I was going to ask if that's the area behind the scrotum or the area in front of it.  And should I use deodorant?  Inquiring minds want to know.

miss havisham: i think in front. that way it actually borders the dick.

miss havisham: but i am no expert

Everybody: Oh. I thought "dickpit" meant "vagina".

Gregonzola: See? Varying interpretations.

Everybody: Or the place where the spoogepilot sits.

Inspector Pooch

[14:02] fantabulous: I wasn't planning on making a regular habit of flinging my panties.
[14:12] Gregonzola: You should make a habit of it.
[14:12] fantabulous: I guess I'll have to stock up on panties.
[14:17] Gregonzola: Go to a Justin Bieber concert and collect them.
[14:17] Everybody: Dear Clan, I have a problem. I want to begin drinking now, but I need to be driving in about two hours.
[14:19] miss havisham: that is a problem.
[14:19] fantabulous: I don't know as I want panties from a Justin Bieber concert.
[14:19] miss havisham: likely underage panties.
[14:21] Everybody: I found a bra and panties in the woods today.
[14:21] Everybody: I was willing to pick up the bra, but panties are more dangerous.
[14:21] miss havisham: *did* you pick up the bra? if yes, what did you do with it?
[14:22] Everybody: Profiled its wearer.
[14:22] miss havisham: what'd you decide?
[14:23] Everybody: Moderately overweight Latina, college age to early 30s, fancies herself the adventurous type.
[14:24] fantabulous: I don't think I'd pick up any underwears found in the woods.
[14:25] miss havisham: did you keep it?
[14:25] Everybody: No, it was wet.
[14:25] Everybody: Besides, what if she's dead?
[14:26] Everybody: They were in a hurry. The park was closing soon.
[14:27] fantabulous: Despite being pictured holding up my own thong, I'd be a little embarrassed if someone found one of my bras and was all Inspector Pooch with it. 

It sounds delicious

[09:55] Everybody: The "F" in "F-1" is for "Formula" not "Fujita".
[09:55] Everybody: Also, "Fujita". Sounds like it's somewhere between a fajita and a vagina.
[09:57] Gregonzola: That sounds like a really nice place to be.
[09:58] Everybody: I always wondered if hispanic vaginas featured a hint of cilantro.
[09:58] Everybody: Cilantro is one of those polarizing things that can split a room.
[10:00] Everybody: "Caught between a fajita and a squishy place."

American Strange

[09:07] miss havisham: i used to get calls in chinese, in the middle of the night.
[09:07] miss havisham: student housing. someone didn't give his family his new #, I gathered.
[09:07] miss havisham: they probably wondered who the american woman was. i hope he didn't get in trouble.
[09:08] Gregonzola: Brown chicken brown cow.
[09:08] Gregonzola: They were proud of him.
[09:09] Shoo86: proud of butts
[09:09] Gregonzola: He was getting American strange. Who wouldn't be proud?
[09:10] miss havisham: IDK, is that supposed to be better than other varieties?
[09:12] Everybody: No, not really.
[09:12] Everybody was an international playboy.
[09:12] miss havisham: I kinda figured.
[09:12] miss havisham: er, to the first part. well, and the second too.
[09:12] Everybody: American women are more likely to swallow, but that's about it.
[09:13] Everybody: Their concept of sexuality is generally a lot more fucked up and constrained.
[09:13] Everybody: And their often too self-conscious to really get into it thoroughly.
[09:14] miss havisham: i am now picturing a chinese dude explaining this to his mom on the phone at 3 am

Grimmy needs two hands

[08:10] Everybody: Dear dogs. I need both hands to type.
[08:12] Big Daddy Grimm: dear penis, stop whining. i need one hand to type!

Wank Club

[14:23] fantabulous: Do guys actually do that? Probably.
[14:24] Gregonzola: Get blown?
[14:24] fantabulous: No. Get together just to masturbate.
[14:25] Gregonzola: No, too homoerotic for our society.
[14:25] Gregonzola: If it happens, we keep it quiet.
[14:25] miss havisham: but you can talk about it in /clan
[14:25] Gregonzola: It's like fight club but with more semen.
[14:26] Everybody: The first rule about Wank Club is you don't talk about Wank Club.
[14:26] Everybody: The second rule about Wank Club is finish first, or DUCK!

Pooch's Radio Idea

[14:30] Everybody: I wonder when the term 'buttfucking' was first used.
[14:31] Gregonzola: Time for online etymological research!
[14:34] Everybody calls "A Way With Words" and asks them on the air.
[14:34] Everybody: See, here would be the hilarious part.
[14:34] Everybody: You call them with something, they research it. Then they call you back.
[14:35] Gregonzola: They should do a podcast with no holds barred.
[14:35] Everybody: And you're on air and they're like, "So, we were looking into the origin of the phrase you requested, and it goes back to 5thcentury Greek...
[14:35] Everybody: And then I can cry BUTTFUCKING IS GREEK! I KNEW IT!
[14:35] Everybody: *click*
[14:35] Gregonzola: Haha.
[14:36] Everybody: I am sad that cellphones don't go *click* when you hang up.
[14:36] Everybody: I never know if someone hung up on purpose or their phone died.

1: Profit. 2: Fling underpants. 3: ???

miss havisham: Aw, Kolumbus stories! Did I miss many?
Everybody: The man from Nantucket.
Everybody: The wee one wrote me her own "Man from Nantucket" poem this weekend.
fantabulous: A forum post I made escalated into me auctioning off my underwear.
Everybody: Damn, Fanta.
Everybody: I wonder what I could auction off!
fantabulous: Which I took off in front of everyone.
Everybody: LOL U WHAT?
Everybody: Fanta, you, the perpetually shy? Were you drunk?
miss havisham: WHAT?
miss havisham: omg.
fantabulous: I had them on over my tights, and I had a long skirt on.
Grimmy Dusk: what the what the what????
Everybody: Waaait. Why were you wearing your underpants on the outside?
fantabulous: Because that pair was for the auction. I didn't want it flossing my butt all day.
fantabulous: No. I didn't wear them over my tights all day.
Everybody: You came here.. on a porpoise!
miss havisham: oh, so you wore them particularly in ORDER to auction them? Is there always an underwear auction?
Everybody: You'll never know, Havi.
Everybody: Because you spend your time with the hoity-toity brass-rigamorale con people.
fantabulous: No. Underwear has never been auctioned, as far as I know.
fantabulous: There's a general auction for covering the meet expenses, though.
miss havisham: I... what? Hoity-toity con people? Am I so Kol-snobby I'm unaware I'm snobby?
fantabulous: One person bid. I don't know if I should feel upset or not.
fantabulous: Also. I tried to fling them to the winner and hit billdakat in the face with them.
miss havisham: Nah, it's more than I'd expect if I put my underpants up for auction.
fantabulous: Also. These: [link] http:// www.fredericks.com/ Eyelash_Lace_Thong/ 54921,default,pd.htm l
miss havisham: Oh, man.
miss havisham: Were you at least drunk enough that it was funny and not embarrassing to hit the wrong person in the face with your underwear?
miss havisham: IS there a "drunk enough" for that?
fantabulous: Not drunk enough, but I laughed anyways.
Everybody: You hit Bill in the face?
Everybody: Now I'm VERY sad I missed this.
fantabulous: I did. Was it too bad I wasn't wearing the thong all day now?

Because Water's not Sticky

[13:50] fantabulous: Had a small water spill on my desk.
[13:50] Everybody: That's not water.