Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Working with Screech


hAm Salad Sandwich: you were in my dream last night
hAm Salad Sandwich: I dreamt that you bartended with me
hAm Salad Sandwich: but you didn't like dealing with people so you would always do service bar
Slacker King: hammy doesnt talk abotu the dreasm with me in them
hAm Salad Sandwich: you even had your own little private service bar booth
Slacker King: they usually involve strip clubs set with all you can eat buffets and a hell of alot of screaming
hAm Salad Sandwich: well, one night we were shorthanded so you had to come out of the booth and take care of bar guests
hAm Salad Sandwich: And I joked "heh, who's the new girl?"
hAm Salad Sandwich: the joke being that we had been woirking together for many years, but none of us ever actually see you
hAm Salad Sandwich: mmmm all you can eat strip bar buffet

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The clan that pr0ns together stays together


kLimtOG: I even told her about the time I saw a picture of my boss's son with a dildo in his ass
kLimtOG: It's one of the best stories I have from working here
hAm Salad Sandwich: your boss has it framed on his desk or something?
kLimtOG: No, he left the work camera at their house for over a year
kLimtOG: Found it in his son's bedroom
kLimtOG: Brought it in without checking it and handed it over to me and Emily's grandpa
kLimtOG: We saw so much
hAm Salad Sandwich: oh holy shit
kLimtOG: It was a real bonding experience
kLimtOG: Nothing brings people together like gazing into the abyss -hic-
kLimtOG: The assbyss
hAm Salad Sandwich: nothing brings a family together like found homoerotic porn
Miss Havisham: that's how the One Sec family bonds, at least

Schooled


Miss Havisham: shoo, this is clanchat
Miss Havisham: please talk about trucker dong or cock ham or gtfo

The Clan Bucket


screechpowers: i ate too many toaster strudels and now i think i'm going to be sick :(
Gregonzola: We have a clan bucket for being sick.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: There's no such thing as too many toaster streudels.
screechpowers: the thought of a clan bucket makes me feel more sick
Tiny Plastic GrimmSpoon: why does the bucket say "grimmy's lunch"
screechpowers: whenever i get toaster strudel i always think "i'll just have one more" until i feel absolutely terrible
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Mantz poops in the clan bucket.
Gregonzola: We are considerate people who don't believe in waste, Grimmy.
screechpowers: the clan bucket is a sad place
screechpowers: where happiness goes to be destroyed
Gregonzola: No, that's Jesa's hobbit hole.
Gregonzola: She's eventually going to kill me. I know it.

That's no way to go through life, son.


jesabele: Ohi, Klim. How is the dumbass boss?
kLimtOG: Retarded and belligerent

Friday, January 18, 2013

The context doesn't matter. Really.


Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I would eat cock ham.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Because I'm already fucking a sandwich.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I obviously have no reason to pretend I am not disgusting.

What?  You need context?

fantabulous: Thom. Thom.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Fanta. Fanta.
fantabulous: We had a question or two for you yesterday.
Gregonzola: Heh.
fantabulous: Was your Jimmy John's sandwich good?
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: It was good, yes.
Gregonzola: Was it good enough that you stuffed your erect penis into the sandwich?
fantabulous: Like so good you slid your erect penis in and out of the sandwich?
screechpowers: i always come back to the weirdest sentences
Shoo86: lol
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I did not have sexual relations with that sandwich.
screechpowers: hahaha
screechpowers: remember when homer simpson won that huge sandwich
screechpowers: and he kept eating it
screechpowers: and it rotted and gave him food poisoning
fantabulous: But. Let's just suppose for a moment that you did slide your erect penis in and out of a ham sandwich and got mayonnaise and other condiments in your pubic hair.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Let us suppose that then.
Gregonzola: The next question does require that supposition.
Everybody: Mayo is good for your skin.
fantabulous: Would you take a slice of ham from the sandwich and use that to clean up? Would you then eat the slice of ham?
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Jesus, Fanta.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I'd use a napkin.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I'm not a freak.
fantabulous: Someone claimed I was channeling you yesterday when I was talking about fighting bears.
fantabulous: So then I did channel you and went on about fucking a sandwich.
Gregonzola: Let's say you didn't have a napkin. -hic-
fantabulous: I guess I didn't channel you correctly.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I do talk about fighting bears quite a bit.
Gregonzola: And you had to wipe the mayo with the ham. Would you eat cock ham?
Miss Havisham: I would not, because mayo :*(
fantabulous: I independently have my own hatred of bears that is in no way channeling you.
Gregonzola: Mantz felt you would, because ham keeps away the ghosts and you're more afraid of ghosts than cock ham.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I would eat cock ham.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: Because I'm already fucking a sandwich.
Thomas Earl Waldrop II: I obviously have no reason to pretend I am not disgusting.

Yilf's phone number followed, but you can't have that.

Dear Havi


Gregonzola: Oh, no. I just heard Dear Abbey died.
Gregonzola: Who's going to give us half-assed advice in a dead news medium?
Miss Havisham volunteers
Shoo86: lol
Gregonzola: Yay, Havi!
Miss Havisham: Dear Havi even sounds remarkably similar to Dear Abby
Gregonzola: Dear Havi,
Gregonzola: I once had a significant other give me anal training rods in front of family and friends.
Gregonzola: I'm not sure how I feel about this. How should I handle it?
Gregonzola: Also, what are anal training rods, really? That sounds really uncomfortable.
Miss Havisham: Gentle Reader: Although of course any gift necessitates a timely thank-you card, in an instance where a gift makes you uncomfortable (physically or emotionally) you need not display it on your mantle
Gregonzola: Oooh, good answer.
Gregonzola: You're hired. -hic-
Miss Havisham: or insert it into your anus.
Gregonzola: Answer level:  #winning!
Miss Havisham: Havi suggests that, in future, you obviate the awkwardness of this situation by simply stating, "No gifts" in your party invitations.
Gregonzola: Dear Havi, -hic-
Gregonzola: I'm afraid my man doesn't care for me as much as I care about him.
Gregonzola: I'm considering getting pregnant to try to make him stay with me. What do you think about this plan?
Gregonzola: I don't have yellow rays. Just yellow snow.
Miss Havisham: Gentle Reader: A man is good for many things -- companionship, shared expenses, and deep dickin among them. Should you find that the man you've chosen seems less besotted with you than you are with
Gregonzola laughs out loud at the phrase "deep dickin'"
Everybody: My new porn name is Dick N. Deep.
Miss Havisham: him, your recourse is to replace him with a man who will stalk you the way you want to be stalked.

That's Gangsta

KrakMunky69: bitches
Miss Havisham: hey... asshole
Carling: don't talk to my ladies like that
screechpowers: your mom isn't here, krak

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Great Work if you can Get It


KrakMunky69: you can always get that boob booze that was poured over a models tits
Miss Havisham: krak, i almost to ask for a link but i can't look at that at work so
Miss Havisham: i'll just imagine why. WHY.
Gregonzola: [link] http:// www.youtube.com/ watch? feature=player_embed ded&v=ngQKnc9tZeE
screechpowers: because when i drink alcohol i think.. hmm.. this needs a stranger's dead skin in it
Miss Havisham: right!!
KrakMunky69: it's super expensive and disgustingly unsanitary
screechpowers: this would be perfect if it had some dead skin cells floating in it
ham Salad sAndWich: I just fell asleep in the dog's bed
screechpowers: this is bad
Gregonzola: New porn idea.
Gregonzola: Mantz in the dog's bed.
GrimmSpoon: that explains why the farts smelled worse mantzy
kLimtOG: Well, now you have to get married
KrakMunky69: but the bottle has a little picture of the model whose tits were in your booze screech
Gregonzola: No, that's going nowhere.
screechpowers: hahaha
Miss Havisham: lol mantz
KrakMunky69: there is a whole video of the process on their site
KrakMunky69: NSFW [link] http:// www.gspirits.com/
ham Salad sAndWich: I was just cuddling Rigby because she's all punky and sad and I fell asleep there
jesabele: why is she sad?
screechpowers: aw, is rigby feeling bad?
ham Salad sAndWich: she was sick
jesabele: [link] http://imgur.com/ J2nnz
ham Salad sAndWich: she's getting better
ham Salad sAndWich: also, lol gspirits
Shoo86: lol gspirits and jes
screechpowers: annnd all the guys have heard of it before
Miss Havisham: of course.
Leeverb: something is wrong with me
ham Salad sAndWich: Krak told me about it before
tomato toast: something new, verb?
Shoo86: yeah i remmeber krak mentioning this
Shoo86: never saw the site tho
Shoo86: is that expensive?
Shoo86: i cant tell
KrakMunky69: yea, very
Gregonzola: Well, the important part is the pouring over tits, which improves the flavor. -hic-
Gregonzola: Especially if they haven't showered and were Jell-O wrestling.
tomato toast groans
Shoo86: lol
screechpowers: wait wait, expensive?
screechpowers: how much is this stuff selling for?
ham Salad sAndWich: the making of video is softcore porn
Shoo86: haha
KrakMunky69: 1/2 liter is $172
tomato toast: that's a titload of money

The Best of Umbrellas


screechpowers: hey guys it's raining
screechpowers: raining so much
Gregonzola: Merry Wet Bananas, Screech.
Shoo86: wet bananas lol
Miss Havisham: Soggy Bananas, Screech!
screechpowers: i've got an umbrella made of the hides of my enemies
Miss Havisham: Wow, mine's just gatorskin. I'm jealous

Klimtog's Office Space and Mantz's Charitable Giving


kLimtOG: My boss's wife came in and was asking if she should call 911 to check on the homeless guy I called the EMTs for earlier
kLimtOG: My boss is like NO WE ALREADY DID THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN ARREST HIM
kLimtOG: (we meaning I did it 30 minutes before he got there because he's always fucking late)
Ramone: I am a fan of your boss
Ramone: I think we are quite similar
kLimtOG: Well I'll give you the address of his funeral when I finally fucking snap
Ramone: he knows nothing about/breaks technology, wants the homeless arrested for no good reason, makes you angry...
Ramone: Klimtog, I am your boss
kLimtOG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gregonzola: Klim, how does your boss feel about skateboarding?
Ramone: I dislike it
kLimtOG: I dunno, to the best of my knowledge no one has ever skateboarded near our building
kLimtOG: Guess what the temperature is in my building
kLimtOG: hint: it's not above 55
ham Salad sAndWich: open a window
kLimtOG: That's cute
ham Salad sAndWich: do... you have windows?
kLimtOG: You think I have windows
ham Salad sAndWich: I immediately rethought it
Gregonzola: Don't parkas reduce productivity?
kLimtOG: The only warmth I get
kLimtOG: Is from Fred's grandpa's office
kLimtOG: With 4 computers running nonstop
ham Salad sAndWich: make a trash can fire and warm your fingerless gloved hands over it
Gregonzola: If he dons fingerless gloves, his boss will have him arrested.
ham Salad sAndWich: he can try
ham Salad sAndWich: who will call 911, though?
kLimtOG: I actually had fingerless gloves last year for wearing here in the winter
kLimtOG: I don't know where they ended up though
kLimtOG: I totally could have passed as a hobo
kLimtOG: I mean, my boss even keeps a 24-pack in the fridge so they can drink on the job
ham Salad sAndWich: I want to get toeless socks
kLimtOG: I could have put it in a brown paper bag and started drinking at work
kLimtOG: While muttering incoherently
ham Salad sAndWich: singing the wrong words to pumped up kicks over and over
kLimtOG: fucked up pimps
Everybody: That's a song that just asks to become a dick song, wink wink, nudge nudge.
Gregonzola: Mantz, the who will call comment was sheer brilliance.
kLimtOG: [link] http://i.imgur.com/ nkwEQ.gif
ham Salad sAndWich: [link] http://i.imgur.com/ TI42K.jpg
kLimtOG: Stop posting pictures of your dick
ham Salad sAndWich: That was after a cold shower
kLimtOG: You must be excited for wooly mammoth cloning
kLimtOG: You'll finally have something you can fit it in
ham Salad sAndWich: Most of my money goes to donations

Facepalm time!

There aren't many clannies on yet, so I'll post this here for them to read.

 It's facepalm time!

In case you're not sure, yes it rains in Australia.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Lee's not allowed to watch this

How to get ahead in business


kLimtOG: Hey guys
kLimtOG: What do you do if your boss gets a PDF emailed to him
kLimtOG: And he prints it out and asks you to scan it and email it to someone else
Miss Havisham: you just do it
Miss Havisham: and make fun of him in /clan

It shouldn't hurt when you pee


Shoo86: ive actually seen cute girls come into the pharmacy and then they give their name -hic-
Shoo86: i go and grab their meds and im like yikes
Shoo86: haha
Big Daddy Grimm: im actually too YOUNG for someone now...
Big Daddy Grimm: that hasnt happened in ...
Big Daddy Grimm: im too old to remember
Leeverb: haha
Everybody: Pretty sure there's no federal law against dicksmacking, and this happens across state lines.
Big Daddy Grimm: all the nice looking women I meet have the same answer to this question -hic-
Everybody: So yeah. With witnesses.
Big Daddy Grimm: "where were you when I was single? Answer:  "Kindergarten"
Miss Havisham: Your marital status is the dealbreaker, grimmy, not your youth.
Everybody: Hawt.
Shoo86: do you have any questions? "yeah, when can i expect the burning to stop?"
Everybody: Right after I give you a dose of 'cream', heh heh heh.

Duck Cock


Shoo86: [pvp] magiKal mUffiN Top: duck cock is super-dreamy and bad-ass! Let's hear it for duck cock!
Miss Havisham: someone preserve that for posterity (syd)

Okay.

Who gives a figging?


screechpowers: who even uses a word like irrumate?!
screechpowers: hilarious!
Miss Havisham: I don't know that word and considering the source I'm afraid to ask
Miss Havisham: the last concept I learned in that manner was "figging" and I was much happier without it.
screechpowers: hahaha
screechpowers: gives new meaning to "go fig"?
screechpowers: what is figging anyways
Miss Havisham: DO NOT. ASK.
screechpowers: does it involve fig newtons? because i like those
Miss Havisham: Pooch will show up at your door with a paring knife and a hunk of ginger and you won't walk right for days
Gregonzola: Urban dictionary it.
Gregonzola: Do not google.
screechpowers: i know, i was just too lazy
screechpowers: do not google?
screechpowers: thanks greg
screechpowers: whew you helped me dodge a bullet
Gregonzola: [link] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=figging
Gregonzola: So you peel the ginger root. That's good to know.
kLimtOG: dafuq
Everybody: Did I misspell?
Leeverb: back in my day we used an onion
Miss Havisham: I don't know, dear. I don't know a word that looks anything like "irrumate"
Gregonzola: No, but kLimtOG did.
Leeverb: we didn't have any white onions on account of the war
screechpowers: did you tie it to your belt first?
Leeverb: so we used a yellow onion
screechpowers: hahahaha
kLimtOG: Hahaha
Leeverb: it was the fashion at the time

Band Names


Everybody: HAVI WHY CAN'T I DATE ONLINE JEEZ, if you know what I mean.
Gregonzola: Pooch, go onto craigslist.org and make a casual encounters post.
Gregonzola: I was listening to a podcast and they said craigslist is full of trucker dong.
Gregonzola: There are many things in life you can't unsee. Trucker dong is among them.
Ramone: Trucker Dong would be a great name for a Motorhead-meets-Hank III band
Gregonzola: Really? And would I want to hear it?
Ramone: oh hell yeah, tons of bands are in that vein. Nine Pound Hammer, Cocknoose, Hellstomper, Hammerlock, The Hookers
Shoo86: lmao
Ramone: anyway Trucker Dong will soon be joining them
Gregonzola: Hehe. Cocknoose.
Gregonzola: Awesome.
Shoo86: never thought id say something like this
Ramone: Cocknoose are one of the best bands I have ever seen
Shoo86: but i like your trucker dong idea, lee
Ramone: haha
Ramone: I wonder if our fans would be willing to buy our t-shirts
Ramone: assuming we'll have fans
Gregonzola: People buy truck nuts.
Ramone: I dunno if I'd wear a shirt that said TRUCKER DONG -hic-
Gregonzola: So, I'm guessing yes.
Ramone: good point, greg, good point
screechpowers: we're naming a band trucker dong now?
Ramone: yes
screechpowers: hahaha
Gregonzola: Trucker Dong is great band name.
Ramone: it rolls off the tongue
Everybody: I've decided to punish myself with food. I'm going to boil this hot and sour soup down to a syrup, wink wink, nudge nudge.
Ramone: .....er
Ramone: so to speak
screechpowers: when i think of truckers, i always think of leg thrombolisms
Gregonzola: Others I've heard:
Gregonzola: Gluten-free Doughy Steaming Loaf
screechpowers: and aneurysms
screechpowers: mmm sounds nice!
screechpowers: i love steaming loaves of dough
Ramone: screechpowers: i love steaming loaves
KrakMunky69: thank god fanta isn't here
Gregonzola: Svanz Springwood
Ria: Hola!
screechpowers: this is news to no one, ramone
Ramone: creechpowers: i love steaming loaves creechpowers: i love steaming loaves creechpowers: i love steaming loaves creechpowers: i love steaming loaves creechpowers: i love steaming loaves creechpowers: i

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Just for Screech


Miss Havisham: It's cold in Phoenix right now :(
Miss Havisham: It's too cold to talk dirty. although I texted someone last night that it was "ass fucking cold" and he took that as an invitation, which it was NOT intended to be.
Miss Havisham: good thing he's not local, huh?
fantabulous: I don't understand "ass fucking cold".
jesabele: I say balls ass cold
Miss Havisham: me neither
fantabulous: If it's really cold, I just want to hide under the covers. Not expose my ass to the cold and erect penises.
Miss Havisham: i just meant REALLY COLD, with bad words to emphasize the extreme cold
Miss Havisham: see, it wasn't an invitation. but apparently it came across that way.
Miss Havisham: I did not mean "it is so cold, i want to be fucked in the ass"
fantabulous: That's what I don't understand. How would anal sex help warm you up?
fantabulous: Maybe if it was in a spooning position, under the covers. I don't know.
Miss Havisham: That's what I'm saying -- it wasn't an invitation. I just meant to say, like, [expletive] [expletive] cold
Miss Havisham: but the ones i chose came across as an invitation or a hope of some kind. which they weren't.

And Screech, that's why Havi greeted you with:

Miss Havisham: merry bananas, screech! Wanna buttfuck?

Catch-Twenty-Poo


Everybody: Heh. I dated a Catholic girl from this area.
Everybody: That would be the one who took it in the butt to avoid blowing her chastity and was afraid of sex for the next 6 years.
fantabulous: Because anal doesn't count.
Everybody: And of course, she didn't TELL me this until after we stopped dating.
fantabulous: But it counts just enough that you can't ask about how to do it right.
Miss Havisham: That sounds like... some urban legend
Everybody: Catch-Twenty-Poo!

You've got mail


Gregonzola: Yeah, I'd totally suffer for football player money.
sYdney rebik: are you sure that's the only reason why? lol
Everybody: That and dudes patting my ass.
Everybody: Bad enough women are trying to do it.
sYdney rebik: I'm told that it's totally not gay as long as you say "good game" No, really.
jesabele: I am more of an ass pincher than patter
Ramone: GO PATS
Miss Havisham: i'm more of a neck-licker than an ass-patter.
fantabulous: You know. I've never seen a video of one guy sodomizing another guy while saying "good game".
Ramone: you have email, fanta

Freudian Reading

sYdney rebik: wow i must have selective reading. for a sec i thought Havi said she wants her panties raided
Miss Havisham: Hmm, sYd's version of my life is way more interesting than my version
jesabele: I wish my panties would get raided

Double Verb Day


Everybody: So if I were thinkin-thinkin, I'd pan fry the shiitake (cut into small slices) and the chicken together.
Everybody: Then choppy choppy the chicken and mix it in with the cooked rice?
Miss Havisham: so... today is double-verb day?
Miss Havisham: mix mix
Everybody: Yes, blow blow me.
Miss Havisham: be right there, hold hold your horses

Friday, January 11, 2013

Rules of Engagement

 sYdney rebik: hello everyone
Shoo86: hey syd
KrakMunky69: syd, didn't expect you back so soon
sYdney rebik: Yea no i kinda like him and i kinda wanna see him again, so i didn't fuck on the 1st date hahaha
AbbyNormal: good girl
KrakMunky69: pfft the two things don't have to be mutually exclusive
Ramone: Krak is an expert on lasting relationships
 Gregonzola: Says krak who loves fuck buddies instead of...
 Gregonzola: Yeah, like Lee said.
KrakMunky69: nah greg i have "friends" right now because i don't want to date until after i move
AbbyNormal: you tell em'!
sYdney rebik: to each their own
KrakMunky69: the last thing i need is an anchor holding me back
AbbyNormal: thats smart thinking
KrakMunky69: but i've had plenty of long relationships with first date sex in the past
AbbyNormal: if no one had been at my house whe I had met my bf, i prob would have done him but it's a good thing i didn't.
Ramone: define long
sYdney rebik: Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
KrakMunky69: more than a year
sYdney rebik: that's the way i see it.
AbbyNormal: MOOO
Shoo86: sexually speaking
KrakMunky69: which is long for me because i make the decision wether to cut my losses or not at the 3 month mark when the honeymoon period is over 
AbbyNormal: thats a fast honeymoon period
Shoo86: is it?
KrakMunky69: eh after 3 months i know if i want in for the long haul or not
Ramone: FREUDIAN SLIP
AbbyNormal: for me, my honeymoon period lasted about 8 months- 1 yr.
sYdney rebik: Yea i'm with krak here. But then again i get tend to just get bored fast and move on
KrakMunky69: yup then if you make it to 6 months comes cohabitating and that's the real test
sYdney rebik: That becomes a problen too, i need my independence
KrakMunky69: because then every tiny annoyance is magnified 10X
Gregonzola: Some people really aren't the settling kind. -hic-
 sYdney rebik: The one time i moved in with a guy it ended like a week later
Ramone: I bet he jumped out the window
KrakMunky69: happens a lot syd, all the annoying habits and they are ALWAYS fucking there lol
Ramone: from like the 14th floor
sYdney rebik: spot on, lee. spot on.
AbbyNormal: lol ramone
Ramone: did he leave a spot on the sidewalk y/n
Ramone: lololololololol
Ramone: ok afk have fun monkeys
sYdney rebik: y
AbbyNormal: see ya lee
Shoo86: later lee
sYdney rebik: gtfo lee
KrakMunky69: adios leeverb
KrakMunky69: hmm i was engaged once and me and that girl had hooked up on the 1st. and technically with sky we had sex before we started dating
KrakMunky69: in fact i think that was how we started dating lol
Gregonzola: "Wow, you're really good at that. Normally I'd be happy with a hookup, but are you free for dinner next Friday night?"
KrakMunky69: lol we were best friends for years before we dated, it just sort of happened
Pa amb Tomaquet: My friend had sex with a guy then spent a year obsessing over him and wondering if they were going out, and I wanted to smack her
sYdney rebik: I usually try to stick to the fuck-on-the-3rd-date rule
sYdney rebik: It shows that i'm not totally easy but i'm not a prude either
sYdney rebik: guys like that
KrakMunky69: oh syd 1952 wants their rules back
sYdney rebik: so im told
Mayting: Ewe gain 666 hit points.
sYdney rebik: anybody can fuck on the first date
Ramone: It definitely shows independant thinking
sYdney rebik: ramone fucks on the first date
Mayting: if ewe dew it correctly
AbbyNormal: your hand doesnt count ramone -hic-
KrakMunky69: as far as i know leeverb hasn't dated since the last ice age
Ramone: Following "rules" made up by whoever regarding your personal life is the sign of a true rebel
Ramone: Oh god, she was frigid as hell Krak
Mayting: naught even if yew name you're favorite hand "Pussy!"
Ramone: get it
KrakMunky69: haha nice