Research I can get behind and squeeze

Squeezing breasts could prevent cancer, best study ever says

You'd think it would be an Onion article, but it isn't.  It's real, live and very important science.  I do disagree somewhat with the article's author. 

New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer. This doesn’t give pervy dudes license to grope you on the subway, ladies, but it does mean boob-grabbing should be a regular part of your self-care routine (yes, absolutely try it DIY-style). Experiments found that physical pressure led cells back to normal growth patterns, and that even after compression was no longer applied, the malignant cells stopped growing. Spread the word, boob-lovers of the world.

Why try it DIY style when you can prevent cancer and make the gentleman or lady of your choice happy?  Further, I think I see a business opportunity here.  Licensed Clinical Breast Cancer Prevention Therapist.